The big, scary “A” word. With the strong influence of social media and the demanding inclination to rack up the photoshop, skin smoothing, and bump-reducing apps, we lose sight of what’s real and raw, and what’s fake. We fear breakouts so much that we drown our bodies with water, scrub our skin with expensive (and ineffective) facial washes, or hide indoors to avoid “public humiliation.” But what’s there to be humiliated about?
The fact that your body is cleansing itself and reacting to what’s going on on the inside? Something uncontrollable that the body does naturally? It’s time we realize that acne isn’t our enemy, it’s our empowerment.
For the past 10 years, I have struggled with cystic, painful acne that turns my cheeks rosy, and my skin groovy. For many of those years, I was embarrassed. I felt like I was doing something wrong– not eating well enough, not cleaning thoroughly, not drinking enough water, not paying enough for the right washes. A lot of the insecurities that I battled had a lot to do with my skin and how others perceived me as a person because of it. Did people think I didn’t take care of myself? Did they think I was dirty? I kept questioning my worth, all because my skin didn’t resemble the photoshopped glory that is praised on TV and online. I became impatient, agitated, and frustrated with the commentary I would get from people who knew nothing about my body. “Why don’t you just wash your face?” “You should wear makeup to cover it.” “Why don’t you just pop them?”
My senior year I was lucky enough to find my solution– birth control. This was my solution, an attempt at fixing my acne from the inside, out. I was able to land on the right birth control that worked with balancing my hormones on the first try. It’s normal to experiment with different types because everyone’s body is different. Finding the right one takes patience and trial-and-error. It can be a risk because your body’s reaction to the change in hormones can vary from person to person. Birth control doesn’t work for everyone, but it is one option for those searching for an answer. Do not get discouraged though! Speaking with a dermatologist can open so many doors for you and get you on the track to finding what works exactly for your body. I did go through a period of side effects until my body adjusted to it, but eventually, my skin cleared and I thought to myself, finally I can be happy in my own skin. That statement couldn’t be farther from the truth. . .
I convinced myself that once my skin cleared, my mental health would also clear and I would finally be able to fall in love with myself like I’d been hoping for since I was a little girl. It may have been a solution for my skin, but it wasn’t a solution for my soul. It took me a long time to realize that my confidence and seeing my worth comes from within. My skin could not clear enough to mask the hurt I was feeling in my mind. I was fighting many battles with my mental health and most of it came from the anxiety I felt about how the world perceived me. I constantly fought my own mind and convinced myself that I wasn’t beautiful because of what I was exposed to online. Even if I knew it was photoshop, I wanted that artificial glam to be my real reality.
When I started college, my entire mindset about how I felt inside shifted. I never felt like myself more than I do now. I felt this burning fire inside me that motivated me to be the best version of myself, for myself. I felt my confidence glow from within and I haven’t looked back. The more I focused on myself, the more I realized that my beauty has no constrictions. It’s not meant to be conventional because frankly, I am far from ordinary. Every now and then, my skin still enflames, but instead of being embarrassed or disgusted with myself, I take selfies. I go out with no makeup on purpose. I post about it. I show it off. Why? Because that’s me. Me in the raw. 100%, beautiful, lovable, worthy ME.
Something about college matured me enough to make me realize how little people’s opinions of me can get to me. I promised myself that I would not allow others’ negativity to bring my energy down because I deserved better than that. It became less about what others thought of me and more about what I think about myself. If there are people out there making fun of me, judging my filter-less, makeup-less, no-fucks-given selfies, then so be it. Those people aren’t meant for me. They’re not meant to be in my circle and I am okay with that. As for the people we envy, or wish to look like, I am going to tell you one thing. YOU are your biggest critic. You are surrounded by so many silent lovers on this Earth who support you, are rooting for you, and are looking at you as inspiration. There are people watching how you live, how you move, how you succeed and wish they had the confidence to follow in your footsteps.
I’ve learned to stop hiding, and start living. I deserve to embrace the self-love I have developed because it took me a very long time to achieve it. I still wear makeup, but instead of, “I need to hide all these marks,” it’s becoming, “I want to enhance all these features.” Makeup to me has stopped being a mask and has become a spotlight. I study my features and I use makeup to embrace them, make them more prominent. My skin isn’t my enemy. It’s the platform on which my confidence shines. I no longer desire to erase parts of me that aren’t perfect because flaws make us human. They make us real. I will continue to post bare selfies. I will continue to go out with no makeup, even on the worst break out days. I will love who I am from within because to be honest, self love is the best love. Your beauty may be unconventional, but it is not defined by something like acne, and it never will be. Who ever wanted to be conventional anyway? How boring.
Mel's Vision 